And now for something completely different: Geeksphone Revolution review (i.e., don't buy it)

And that's the review! Thanks for reading! (I'll be here all week!)

I have hope for FirefoxOS still, that there can be a fourth way other than the locked-down walled gardens of Windows Phone and iOS, and the practically locked-down walled Google Play Services garden of Android. And plus, given how privy our phones are to our intimate data, do we really trust Google, or Microsoft, or even Apple, to safeguard that critical personal information? But while Mozilla has more trust than any of those three, if there is no hardware running FxOS natively (that doesn't need it to be flashed on like Cyanogen) it will never gain any market traction because no one wants to have to flash their phone right out of the box.

To date, it has taken me literally one entire year to get a FirefoxOS phone. I tried to order a Peak when they first came out, and they were sold out within hours. Four months later, I finally got in a preorder for a Peak Plus. After picking their nose for several months, Geeksphone apologetically said that they were not going to be able to meet certification for it, and would I like my money back or get a free Revolution instead, their next generation phone (which at that time had no specs page)? Sure, said I, still desirous of any FirefoxOS device at all, I would like a free Revolution instead, your next generation phone, and they said okay, and then nothing.

And then it finally arrived today and I eagerly opened it up ... and ...

WAT.

Yes, that's exactly what you think it is on the lower right. That's an Intel inside logo on its plasticky hide. It's not an ARM device like the Peak or Peak Plus. It's an Intel Atom Z2560 that tops out at a finger-tapping 1.6GHz. It's a farking netbook in a flimsy handheld.

But, you know, if it has a good Firefox OS experience, I can forgive the fact it runs my least favourite processor family ever. I could maybe even forgive this:

Yeah, that's the startup sequence. Pretty gauche, huh?

Yes, gritting my teeth, I could forgive all that. I could forgive the cheap-o feeling case which felt like it would crack getting the back off to put the battery in. I could forgive the pixelicious 540x960 qHD screen which looks like ass compared to my 1080p Nexus 5 (and despite allegedly being an IPS LCD has a weird blue tint). I could forgive the icky CPU. I could forgive the 1GB of RAM, and in fairness, it does, at least, come with a MicroSD slot to supplement the 16GB flash. I could forgive all of these sins if it only came up in Firefox OS, which is in fact the only thing I bought it for. But no. It comes up in this:

It's bloody Android. And not even full Android: it's (pre-rooted, at least) AOSP Android 4.2. No Google apps, no custom apps. Nothing else. It comes with everything you see here and only that. And there's no way to dual-boot FirefoxOS out of the box, even though Geeksphone advertises it with FxOS on their very own web store!

Geeksphone, you suck. If I'd wanted an Android device, I'd have bought one. And in fact I have one, the stellar $350 Nexus 5, currently the best deal in Android devices ever and outclasses the $300 (€222) Revolution in virtually every metric. I bought this device to run FxOS and it's advertised to run it, but not only does it not come with it it also doesn't even include instructions on how to do so. Considering I started this entire adventure with the FxOS-specific Peak Plus, the least Geeksphone could have done after keeping my money for months is to include a MicroSD card with an Intel FirefoxOS build, instructions and a thank-you. Instead I have a piece of crap that isn't even fit to be a doorstop or a paperweight, let alone a decent smartphone. I'd say something about the battery or camera if this were a real review and not a rant, but I turned it off in disgust after five minutes, and I bet the camera's as lousy as the screen is. (Pro-tip: the camera plastic lens is covered with a plastic protector which you need to remove with the back off.)

So, when I get around to it after I stop fuming, I'll go and get a 16GB MicroSD card and try putting FxOS on it and if I brick it, I guess I'll use it for target practice. Mozilla needs to find a better hardware partner than Geeksphone. They really do. To be continued when I'm not so furious.